I’m on a spiritual journey … yet another one, this time deeper than I’ve ever gone. All triggered by the amazing vacation for my heart, mind, body and soul that I took this past July. This time I’m dealing with deep rooted issues. Things I wasn’t even aware of and definitely unaware of how they are affecting my present life. I’ve been feeling a shift ever since I came back. Issues that deal mostly with self worth, how much love I deserve, money and old beliefs installed in my mind since childhood. Things wandering about in my subconscious mind… where all the debris of all the shit in my life resides! Questions roaming my mind with no answers for such a long time. Questions that took me to the land of ‘I’m lost’ and ‘I don’t know.’ The shift is teaching me to get comfortable in that land. What you resist persists and I no longer want to resist. I’m okay with ‘I don’t know’.
Ever since I saw the card set on the chair I picked at the couple’s retreat my x-husband and I went to, I’ve been digging deeper into its meaning. It said Release & Let Go. I didn’t know what it meant. It took me a couple of years to realize I had to let go of the marriage and embrace being single again in search for love, something I feared. Took another couple of years to realize I had to let go of Canada and embrace the idea of going back to Abu Dhabi, something I feared. I had to let go of my fear of money and embrace starting a new business from scratch, something I feared. And the process is ongoing … the awakening to what else to release and let go of. We fear letting go and we fear jumping into the unknown. It’s like hanging on to the safety of a buoy in the middle of the ocean with all the discomfort of being there instead of swimming till you find land. One is passive (even though it looks like a ton of effort) and the other is active.
My comfort zone is my worst enemy. With every course, experience, or relationship, I keep pushing myself further and further out. And when I don’t push enough, I’m lucky to have great friends who kick me in the ass and challenge me to do more. And more is what I can do.
I’m now at the edge of a cliff and I’m just about to jump from darkness into a blindingly bright light… only I’m hanging by a thin thread that I’ve to let go off, I’m holding on by two fingers only. This is now. It used to be a titanium pole I was handcuffed to. All I have to do is just separate my two fingers and into the light I go. Funny how awareness and being totally conscious, even at that edge of the cliff makes it all euphoric. Knowing that I have the power within me to do what I like. It’s being fully aware when I can cherish the moment, the right before and the right after of every moment too… even of the moment of realization of what it truly is that holds me back. With the letting go, comes the tears, comes the mourning, and the shaking off of all that doesn’t serve me anymore.
It can take a minute, a month, or years… it’s totally up to me. I just have to be mindful of the pact that Time and Pain have signed together. You can take all the time you want, but along with time comes pain. So the sooner the better and there’s no better time than NOW.