Yesterday I witnessed a tiny kitten, no bigger than the palm of my hand, take her last breath. I was not meant to be there at that time, it was me trying to help a friend uninvited. And that is how I got to be in her house when the maid told me about the kitten. I offer to drive her to the vet on the spot, but while my friend was changing her clothes, I sat with the maid holding the kitten in her hand and witnessed death.
Needless to say the ocean of emotions rushing through me in that moment was too much to handle as I heard the maid weeping declaring that the kitten is gone, that there was no pulse and no movement. That she has just taken her last breath never to meow again.
I couldn’t help but wonder was it my negativity that morning (and for the past week or so) that brought doom to this kitten? Or should I be happy that at least she died in the hands of the maid instead of alone in the towels in the little basket she was sleeping in? I had feelings of anger that it was neglect that might have been the reason this kitten died. Who to blame? Is there anyone to blame? Or is it just time to go? If I did rush her to the vet, would she have lived? Would they have been able to do much at that stage?
I had a phone conversation later in the evening with someone I care about and it made me connect the dots. I have come to realize that I cannot and should not expect to be able to inspire or transform or motivate everyone I know towards change. It is their decision to make, not mine, no matter how much I love them or care about them. I cannot take it upon myself, it is not my responsibility. And I should not push myself into it when I’m not ready to face the consequences like I was not ready to witness this kitten die.
Being the coach I am, I need to chill I guess. During training, my instructors’ comments were always that I’m a strong coach but that I work it too hard, that I need to relax while coaching. Easier said than done, let me tell you! I’m so invested in my clients and in the people I love. Most of my coaching sessions are through Skype and with no video, so I can be chilling lying down in my bed while coaching but no, oh no, instead I’m at my desk, leaning into my laptop like I’m about to touch the person for real. Full engagement. Sometimes I close my eyes so I can have more focus on what I hear. That’s how I am, even when having coffee with friends and we are deep in conversation, I’m leaning forward wanting to be there 100%, and hardly ever just rest in my seat or sofa.
Being like this is a blessing or a curse? I don’t know.
All I do know is that life and death happen around us all the time. We do whatever part we can. But there comes a time where one needs to let go. One of the very first self development retreats I attended had one major lesson for me. One huge take away… and it was to ‘Release and let go’. This kitten crossed my path to remind me of that lesson. True story.